i teeter between tired/and really, really tired/ i'm wiped out and wired/ but i guess thats just as well

(thanks ani, couldn't say it any better.)

wiped out and wired. what i am dreaming of is a long HOT bath, a bottle of white wine, and a really comfortable bed. (ahhhh, sorry to disappoint any of you who might think my fantasies were anything but pedestrian.) i'm sitting here, on my thai mat on the floor (aka my bed) and thinking that sleep could possibly be the greatest drug in the world, if only i could get a fix.

lacking any of the above (bath, wine, bed or sleep) i figured i'd write. or type and see if it passes as writing. so, despite my previous promise to write more about things other than my own internal drama (as, i do in fact think about more global topics) tonight, you'll have to indulge me as re-process some thoughts and conversations i've had this past week.

had a really long talk with em the other day (thank you my love, you ARE my soul mate, i'd be lost without you in my life). as per usual we talk a lot about nothing, and somehow i got to talking about how i've been here just about 5 months now, and i have no friends here. sure, i have people i do things with occasionally (trivia, game night) but, i'd be hard-pressed to actually say any of them are really *my* friends. friends by proxy perhaps... and this is not to say i don't enjoy their company, i absolutely do. but, i would be hard pressed to say i felt comfortable calling any of them up to go for a hike or grab some tea and chat...etc. and i know, i know this stuff takes time, (way more than 5 months time), but it brought me to the question of HOW exactly does one make friends? no, really. it's a serious question (and i would appreciate any advice on the matter) - when you're not in school, and you live in a new place, how do you make friends? so, there's work. which is good, i LOVE the people i work with, but it's work, and while i wouldn't mind hanging with them in a non-work context, they have families and lives and yeah... i don't know. and then, well, that's really all i do. and i am hoping in a couple of months when work gets more stable, i will have time to commit to volunteering somewhere, taking yoga classes or cooking classes, etc... but, right now. notsomuch.

and as far as the work thing goes, had a short talk with brad (owner of tri-d) today - he was asking me how things were going and i said they were going well, slowly, but getting there. and that i really love working there and hope to make it worth their while, i hope it turns out to be a good thing for them too, and that's been my recent frustration - i feel kind of inadequate, that i'm not making good enough numbers, etc. he said that both he and michael (my supervisor) were really happy i was there, and they thought i was doing a great job, and just to keep it up and things would happen. (did i mention i love where i work?)

and, on another note... i'm moving tomorrow. (perhaps why i can't sleep). i'm all packed and totally ready to move. am meeting the landlord at 10 to trade lease +rent for keys, and then i am hoping i can get everything moved tomorrow and sorted as i work sunday morning and have been told by bjorn i am expected at anke and marcel's superbowl shindig. that being said, i will do my best to take photos (of the empty place) and post shortly but not sure when the internet will be connected, so i may be MIA for a few days...

and before signing off... a quick shoutout to some of the most wonderful aquarius ladies in my life: ems, nancy, barbara... happiest happy birthdays, i hope you are celebrating your fabulous selves, as i celebrate each of you in my life! MWAH!

the future's in the air/i can feel it everywhere/ blowing with the wind of change

i wish i had something to say about this historic moment in the history of this nation. but i'm finding my words, let alone my thoughts, to be inadequate. at the moment i'm content to be an observer, to be a witness, without explanation or discourse.

speaking of wind though. i went hiking on saturday as it's been beautiful and sunny up here in oregon. so, i decided to hit the columbia river gorge in the sunshine (as previous pictures can attest to it's often in cloud). this time i decided to mix it up and head over to the washington side of the gorge. found a great hike, but didn't make it far because much of the track was exposed and right on the river and the winds were CRAZY. i took a couple photos before i backtracked and found a different, slightly more sheltered hike nearby.

(i'm pretty sure i took these all with my eyes closed, because the wind was too strong)

the columbia river in the sunshine!
(apologies for blur, but closed eyes and unsteady hand in the wind...)

so after that, i retreated and found another nearby hike (which can actually join up with this one if on future occasions i am up to the wind tunnel that is the gorge). lots of winter (i.e. bare) tree action. but blue skies and some pretty views...

(oh and T- 13 days til i move...)

and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms...

i cannot believe it's the middle of january.

i'm not sure when that happened. also, it's been BEAUTIFUL here, sunny and clear. apparently this is one freak-show of a winter for portland. but, i'm not complaining!

so far the new year has been continuing on pretty well. work is going, slowly, but going. been trying to do a lot of this networking business, which is not really my style, but needs to be done. though, in regards to that - i got rejected from a networking group, HA! i am totally amused.

been doing a lot of thinking lately, and not nearly enough writing. there are some things i'd like to write about regarding health care and various paradigms, but i haven't managed to sit down and do it. i've been feeling like my brain has all these thoughts but i am somehow unable to put them together as a cohesive whole. but, writing more on broader topics than what i do in my day is a goal of mine for the coming months. however, for now, you're stuck with this.

the middle of january means i move in two weeks. and while i don't have that much stuff, and there's a lot still in boxes, somehow the thought is still overwhelming to me. i cannot wait to be in my new place and simultaneously am dreading the actual process of moving (didn't i just do this?). however, it will be nice to fully unpack and settle a bit. but, that probably doesn't happen for real til tim and i get back from SD.

am SO excited to visit san diego and see all my friends. (i'm living in serious friend xu right now!) am feeling slightly guilty that it is under the auspices of helping tim pack and move, but more than likely will end up being mostly a social event as i have many people to catch up with (sorry tim!). while excited, i am slightly exhausted from thinking about my social schedule already...hehehe.

got to catch up with with emily and sara in the past 24 hours, and talked lots. (i love you ladies more than words) a lot about how there are just so many questions we don't have the answers for. and don't know if anyone does. however, i think the asking of them is still important. but sometimes the preponderance of questions is disconcerting and ungrounding and the ability to let go into that space of being comfortable with uncertainty is extremely difficult. it is such a reflex to reach out and try and grab a hold of some bit of a notion that we convince ourselves of as being an answer. it's so easy to long for something finite and for reassurance and so hard to sit with the ever expanding body of not-knowing and not feel completely lost. during this discussion sara reminded me of one of my very favorite quotes with which i shall leave you:

"...have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer..."

- Ranier Maria Rilke

Year's End

...is neither an end nor a beginning but a going on,
with all the wisdom that experience can instill in us.
-Hal Borland

this time of year is meant for reflection, is it not? so... on my day off, some reflection you shall get. i don't promise deep or meaningful, or even particularly insightful for that matter - but here goes...

it's funny, i started this particular blog just about a year ago, last january and while i think i'd use some of the adjectives to describe my life currently, somehow they've taken on a slightly different flavor. i was in my last term of school 3 months away from completion of a four year degree. re-reading some of those earlier entries, i couldn't believe where i was - it was surreal, an ending of something that felt endless. and there was excitement and of course anxiety about what was to come. i couldn't wait to finish school, to start the next phase of life, but i was scared about boards, about my competance, about if i would have what it took to have a practice, about finances, about moving... but all these things were still abstract, intangible, and i was unable to hold them concretely and so felt a bit like i was falling.

and here i am, about a year later. i have since graduated. passed boards. moved to portland. became licensed. started a practice. so in some ways, much of what i was anticipating has come to pass, and all with remarkable fluidity. i've been here in portland for four months, and sometimes i can't believe it's been that long, but for the most part it makes me stop and think "really? that's it?" somehow in the short four months i've been here i feel so much more that i belong, more than i ever did my four years in san diego. and maybe some of that was self-fulfilling prophecy, that i thought moving out to san diego, it would never be for me. but honestly, there's such a different feeling here, a different qi - and i really like it. and while life looks entirely different than it did a year ago (i made it here! i have a practice! i love portland!) i think my 2 favorite adjectives to describe my life are still excited and slightly terrified.

i haven't for a second regretted my decision to move, on the contrary - most everyday there is something that makes me smile, and feel so glad i'm here. i think i was stuck in SD, somehow it was stagnant for me, and here there's free flow - there's a coursing energy that permeates everything, and the rain that continually washes the city clean, keeps everything flowing. and GREEN. *sigh* it makes me smile just writing that. i miss my friends terribly, and have certainly had hard days and weeks... before i found my current jobs. earlier this week... some days i acutely feel the loss of not having people i know locally. and i know, i KNOW this stuff takes time, and while i am aware of this - some days it just hits hard.

currently my excitement is over work - i LOVE what i do, everyday. i really and truly do! and absolutely adore all my colleagues at Tri-D, they are just awesome, and i can't be grateful enough to have a place like that to work. not to mention, work out... have been training with Mox, and it's been great! aside from that stuff, am super excited about moving to my own place next month... (i signed papers today!!!) it's in a great location, lots of space, my own kitchen! YAY! and i guess, really i should qualify that - it's not really my OWN place, as tim is moving up and it will be his place too (and clearly, actually, it's really Puma's) and i am very excited about that part of it too!

and then there's the terrified... about making work, "work". building a practice is HARD, and that's fine, but i worry about being good enough, about knowing what i am doing, about getting enough patients... i worry about making friends, finding community... i worry about living with tim - if he'll like the place i picked, if we'll live together well... i worry about paying off loans and making my finances work.

so, it's just funny to me, to be in such a different place, yet in some ways a wholly similar one. that being said, i do feel much more grounded and stable than i have in a long time, and think that upon moving next month, will feel even more so.

and hal borland is right, year's end is neither an ending nor a beginning, but a going on. new year's does not mark some distinct time segment, isolating one year from the last - it just marks the going on of time. and while that means there is no "starting over" (and i know this may come as a big disappointment to some people), the slate doesn't magically wipe clean, we're not all brand new people each year (thankfully!) but it is a going on, and what makes that special is that like mr. borland says - we have all the wisdom that the past year's experience has given us. and it is our choice how to use that. none of us are the same people we were 12 months ago, or for that matter a day ago (an interesting link here to TCM theory, but that's another post) but as we often use this time for reflection - let us look back at our experiences and figure out how to use that wisdom to our benefit in the coming year...to keep learning (especially about ourselves) and growing, and not starting over with nothing, but continuing to the shape the person we are into who we want to be.

and that, my friends, is a post that is more than long enough. my best wishes for the coming year to you all - may it be happy, healthy, prosperous and full of laughter and love!